I’ve always been fearful. Even as
a child, I was nervous and high-strung. It frustrated my mother. She wanted me
to enjoy things, experience life. More than once, when I refused to do
something out of fear, she would pull me close and promise that she would never
let me do anything that would hurt me. But in addition to my fear, I am
stubborn, so I always stood firm and refused to do whatever it was that scared
me.
I am phobic about heights.
Seriously. I can’t even ride glass elevators. I’m not ashamed of this, nor do I
care to overcome this fear. I like my feet firmly on the ground.
But I spent a very long time
being afraid of failure. When I was younger, I refused to do anything that I
didn’t already feel I was good at. I would not step outside my comfort zone,
because more than anything, I feared looking stupid, or inept, or, God forbid,
average.
I missed out on a lot of opportunities
because of this fear. I quit the track team because I never won a race. I didn’t
allow myself to write often because I knew I wasn’t any good. Now the two things that
bring me such joy are running and writing. I missed years of doing these activities
because I wasn’t perfect at them, and I demanded perfection from myself.
And then I grew up. It was really
running that taught me I didn’t have to be perfect to enjoy something. I fell
in love with running, with the discipline and the achievement that came from
competing in marathons. I’ve never won a race, but I’ve beaten myself time and
time again. I learned that it isn’t about competing against others, but against
yourself, and becoming the best self you can be.
Running gave me the courage to
write. At first I was terrified of rejection, but that got easier. Then I was
terrified of being published, because there is nothing more soul-baring than
sharing your words with strangers.
But I did it anyway.
I’m still afraid. The project I’m
working on right now terrifies me because the characters are very different
than I am and I want to do them justice. I want to get the history and culture
correct, I want to represent truthfully and fairly. I want so many things with
this project; wanting is a scary thing.
This week is full of things that terrify me. Today I have something exciting and terrifying happening. I hardly slept last night. Tomorrow I fly out to attend the NOVA
Teen Book Festival, and while I’m thrilled and excited to be a part, I’m also nervous.
I hate flying. It makes me sick and, more than anything, I can’t stand being
dependent on others. Flying requires me to do nothing and hope my flights are
on time and that they don’t lose my luggage. The lack of control causes me so
much anxiety. But it will also be my first time on panels, and though I make my
living off of standing in front of teens and talking books, adults intimidate
me a little.
There’s a great quote in
Shakespeare’s Julius Caesar: “Cowards
die many times before their deaths;/The valiant never taste of death but once.”
Being afraid is normal. But if we
let fear dictate our lives, we’ll never truly live.
I still fear failure. But I'm not going to let it stop me.
